Finding Humanity
by meals
Summary: <html><head></head>Behind the scene of the fist war there's a school. With Sirius and Lily enroled there, will they be able to help there side or will they lose themselves? And will the friend they lost to there years earlier still be their friend? Not Sirius/Lily. JPLE</html>
1. Chapter 1

The hall was musty with fear; it clung to the walls like a layer of impenetrable dust and bred in the dark, shadowy crevices between the cold, grey slabs.

The rope, freezing, rubbed against Sirius' wrists and he made and effort to not shiver at the tremors tracing his spine. They might think he shook out of fear, after all that was how Lily, bound and quivering alongside him, appeared.

A lone candle spluttered in the corner of the room. Its light stretched far, but the warmth was long gone. In the ghostly gleam, the man's face seemed more inhumane than ever.

It was pallid, waxy even, with smooth features and sunken eyes. His mouse brown hair hung limply to just past his ears and his pale pink lips were too broad compared to the rest of him. His figure slight, he didn't look to have the authority that his aura commanded. But it wasn't these that made him, a face and being so plain that memories of them smudged the moment you took your eyes from him. It was his eyes. The green was so faint that they seemed to blend into the whites, the pupils so small they gave him a pointed, weasel like look. And they were devoid of any emotion as he surveyed his two captives, there was no caring, no triumph no delight; no contempt or distaste, hatred or envy or sorrow; no anger. Not even indifference.

But it was not the practiced blankness of a well rehearsed poker face. It was something unearthly that Sirius didn't understand' and it scared him.

'These are the new recruits?' The voice, as dead and still as the rest of him, hummed in the air around him.

'Yes master.' The guard's voice, which had mocked and commanded in the days since the two of them had been man handled into the back of the truck, was full of rapture and reverence. He all but fell to his knees as he watched his 'master' with adoring eyes.

Disgust, pity and yet more fear yanked at Sirius' stomach and he swallowed to mask them. The sound was uncomftably loud in the new silence.

A twist of the lips, imitating a real smile, pulled at the empty man's face. He travelled slowly down two stairs and swept across the floor towards them. Though the ground was uncovered, the steel capped black leather of the man's business shoes mad no noise on the paving.

'Mr. Black.' The oily tone went right through him and it took all his effort to raise his eyes to meet the inhumane ones before him.

A satisfied smirk wept across the older man's face - the first emotion he had shown. Sirius felt a strange pleasure at being the one to evoke it.

_Careful, Black, _he thought to himself, _they're manipulating you!_

'You may address me as Sirius or Mr. Poderoso.' He continued in his monotone. Then he turned his attention to Lily.

'Miss Evans, the same applies.' Lily jerked when he addressed her and Sirius felt the urge to reach out and comfort her.

'The two of you will begin our special training at the bottom. How quickly you leave and join our working ranks depends on your dedication as a student. Either of you may flourish here - where your only hindrance will be your on mind and willpower.'

The entrance clattered loudly open and a beefy man jogged down the central aisle towards them. A gigantic moustache dominated is features and it shook in furious indignation as he bowed deeply and stepped forward to speak quietly to Mr. Poderoso. After a few minutes, Mr Poderoso nodded calmly and the angry man moved back.

'Mr Black, Miss Evans, meet Mr Intelli. He will be your Professor of Technology. Mr Intelli - our new recruits.'

The man, red faced with steely eyes, looked them over. 'Black and Evans.' He made a partly amused, mostly disgusted snort and left, stooping to kiss a ring on Mr Poderoso's gloved hand before he did so.

The headmaster returned his attention to the newest pupils.

'From this moment onwards, you are one of us. You have no past, and I am your future. You will work, eat, sleep and just about breathe our regime and if you fail the will be consequences. You have been chosen for your talent but never forget- there are thousands of other just as talented, more so even. You are not unique. You are _replaceable. _And I will not hesitate to do so should I believe you are causing morerouble than you're worth. Am I clear?' Sirius' throat clenched as he nodded. He didn't doubt Mr Poderoso's words. Apparently, neither did Lily.

'Very good. Now, if you'd wait a few moments, I and your guide have some business to settle before you settle in.' They were dismissed.

Sitting together at the side on two cold, plastic patio chairs which did not fit with the rest of the decor, Lily intertwined her shaking fingers with his and squeezed, giving and receiving comfort.

A boy walked in. He was about their age, perhaps younger. His face was open, trusting; his big blue eyes fixed on his master. But his hands shook so violently that it affected his walking pattern and his breathing stuttered in terror. It was a contradictory picture - the body, expectant and tortured, trying to break through to the loving mind. The boy probably didn't know he was crying.

'Mr Stuarts.' Mr Poderoso was sickly sweet to him, cupping his cheek into his palm and smiling. 'Do you know why you're here?'

The kid, Mr Stuarts, nodded, 'I'm not worthy.' He said it in a simple, factual, robotic tone.

'No, you're not.' Mr Poderoso agreed, nodding like it pained him to say it. 'And you know what we do to the unworthy ones, don't you?'

Stuarts nodded eyes on the floor, 'It won't happen again.' And he offered up his cheek. A fear and horror so intense he had to stop himself from gasping bubbled up inside Sirius and Lily's tiny fingers locked viciously around his as a nameless man appeared seemingly out of no-where alongside the duo. He offered a blade to the head, jeweled hilt first.

The knife sliced smoothly across the boy's unmarked cheek. He probably didn't even shave yet. A drop of ruby red blood dripped onto the carpet.

Stuarts took the knife from his torturer and wiped it clean on his crisp, white shirt sleeve. Red seeped across it, soaking into the fine material.

'Don't hand your homework in late.' Mr Poderoso smiled.

'Never again, master.' The child leant forwards and pressed his blood marked lips to the ring. Beads of blood ran down his neck and disappeared beneath his collar.

'Come on.' Stuarts beckoned Sirius and Lily over and they stood uncertainly, traipsing after the boy.

'What was that?' Sirius gasped the moment they were out of earshot.

'What?' The cool blue eyes were calm, unspoilt. 'I broke the rules - I deserved it!'

Lily and Sirius gaped after him as he drew ahead of them. Glancing back over his shoulder he smiled sadly, 'Welcome.'


	2. Chapter 2

Much later that night, Sirius crept down a dark passage way and leant against the wall next to a plain muggle doorway. The air was frigid and he was wearing only the thin pyjamas he had been issued with. He curled his toes under and tried to think of something other than the cold.

As far as he could tell, the school was fit into four sections – not age or time spent at the school. Everybody started at the bottom and you had to work your way to the top – and work they did; the punishments were horrific and barbaric, but they did their job.

The lowest level was Grunt. That was what Sirius and Lily now were. There were four more 17 year olds, two 18 year olds and a 22 year old. Then came the Novices, then the Intermediates, and finally the Alphas. To level up you had to complete a satisfactory amount of work. Sirius trembled; the only way he would get through this was by thinking of it as a computer game – which his friend Michelle had taught him to play that summer.

But in this game when you levelled up you lost something rather than gained it. From Grunt to Novice you lost your respect for the outside world. By the time you were an Alpha, you'd lost your soul.

Two slender fingers tapped him on the shoulder and he jumped. A spike of fear flashed through him before he realised it was only Lily.

Together, they walked quietly down the corridor into an empty classroom. There were no rules for being out too late – as long as your work didn't suffer – and no rules about relationships. They tended not to work though – becoming more convenient alliances rather than romantic.

'So, what do you think?' Sirius murmured, pausing outside a door and letting them into an empty classroom.

Lily leant against a marble worktop – they were in some sort of lab – and shrugged, pulling her cardigan closer around her. 'My common room is as cold as the rest of this place. I haven't heard anyone talk just for the sake of talking and I've been given homework even though I haven't done any lessons yet.' She glanced away, her lip trembling.

Going to her, Sirius laid his hand on her own, 'I know, Lily, I know. But they promised us it would get easier.' He wanted to tell her how important their job was; how crucial they were too winning this war; but couldn't out of fear of being overheard. 'I'm still scared though.' He admitted instead.

Lily looked up at him. Her lips curved into smiles of tender love and she looped her arms around his neck. 'Do you think we're going to die?' She whispered into his ear.

He shook his head violently, automatically, 'Don't say that! We'll get through this!'

She pulled away again, and his body immediately started craving the warmth it took away. Not for the first, he wondered whether he and Lily would work as a couple. They fit together – their body shape, their humour, and their diligence. They matched; wit for wit, genius to genius. It would be so easy to let his body rule his heart for once.

But of course, that was impossible. When had hearts ever let themselves be ruled – by the body or the brain? And a central, hidden piece of his heart still belonged to someone else. Someone who Lily belonged to.

'Sirius?' Again, Lily snapped him out of his reverie.

'Hmm?' He made a questioning noise, raising his eyebrows at her.

She smiled. 'Would you have any regrets?'

For a small second, her question threw him. If he could live his life over – would he do differently? Was there a choice he would change; a sentence he wouldn't neglect to listen to?

Flying through his life at a speed so quick it appeared to only be only momentary hesitation, 'Well, I would say that I regret being born into my family, but I think that you don't get to pick your family. Then, perhaps I would study for that Transfiguration test last year, do my homework once in a while, nothing major.'

He grinned at her, almost believing his devil-may-care attitude himself. Lily didn't though. 'Nothing before last year? Apart from being born, I mean. 16 years of life and no regrets?'

He knew what she was getting at, of course. It would be hard not to. He gulped, 'I regret losing Remus as a friend over that bastard.' He spat the last word, ignoring the frisson of pain lashing inside of him. It had been years, but that didn't mean it hurt any less than the first time he had read that letter.

Lily smiled apologetically, rubbing his arm soothingly, 'I know, Sirius, I know.'

* * *

><p>It was just past 6 o'clock when Sirius trooped down the stairs to the canteen. He wore a black v-neck sweater and black tracksuit bottoms. The night before, after returning from meeting Lily (no one had asked any questions about where he'd been, which unnerved him more than anything) several black garments had been on his pillow – if you could call the nearly empty case that.<p>

He had slept badly, tossing and turning on his rock hard mattress under his thin blanket, and no one had mentioned that particular things had to be worn, so he just flung anything on and hurried to catch up to them. They all seemed to do everything in double quick time – showers took 4 minute, dressing 3. They ran to the canteen (about 1km away) in a similar block of time, ate their breakfast (which consisted of two slices of toast with nothing on) and were in their first lesson in under half an hour from waking up. Sirius swallowed.

Their first lesson was **Defence – Non-magical. **It would be 4 hours long. Arriving just before the bell rang (Sirius was out of breath, he could hardly believe that some had been there earlier even than him) they were immediately paired off into ability groups and set to fighting amongst each other in their designated area. Sirius watched, open mouthed, as a boy he knew as Doug pummelled someone called Drew into the ground, Nancy drew her nails across Michael's cheek as he smacked her repeatedly in the stomach and Chris somersaulted into a flying kick which knocked Drake unconscious. Then he was momentarily blinded as a fist pounded into his innocent face and he fell to the matting.

'NEVER BE CAUGHT UNAWARES!' Mr Locus screamed, kicking Sirius in the side as he gasped for breath and tried to stop the blood pouring down from his broken nose.

The beating stopped, mercifully, as the teacher caught sight of something else, 'WHY ARE YOU LATE GIRL?' Sirius looked up blearily to recognise Lily's form frozen in petrified fear in the doorway.

'I-I'm so-sorry.' She stuttered, unable to rip her gaze from the blood. 'I'm new a-and I di-did-didn't reali-ise how long i-it would t-take t-to get here!'

'IGNORANCE IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR TARDINESS!' The professor bellowed, his palm connecting with her unguarded cheek and sending her flying across the hall into the opposite wall.

In a moment of kindness, the professor helped Sirius up.

'The basic fighting stance is like this,' he placed his legs shoulder width apart, crouching slightly. His hands were loose, relaxed at his sides. 'The most important thing about fighting is SPEED. No matter how strong your opponent is – if he can't touch you, he can't win!' The teacher dodged an imaginary punch and jabbed at Sirius' stomach, doubling him over. 'SPEED BOY!'

'Speed,' Sirius gasped, hoping his tone sounded agreeing and submissive.

'Pair up.' Locus barked.

Sirius and Lily caught each others gaze, horrified. Sirius opened his mouth to protest that he'd never hurt Lily but she beat him to it – his head snapped round with the force of her blow.

'You know what happens when you don't cooperate!' She hissed, going for his face again. This time, he moved quickly enough.

'Hit me!' Lily begged, ducking and darting forwards to place a well timed blow on his thigh.

'Never!' Sirius shot back, dancing out of the way.

'HIT ME!' She growled, yanking his hair ferociously.

'No.' Sirius garbled through the shocking pain. His nose was starting to throb.

Lily snaked closer again and Sirius flinched in anticipation, 'I'm sorry.' The whisper was feather light, nearly unhearable in the din of the classroom (Sirius suddenly realised that none of the students made a sound, but that their various bones crunching and slamming down onto the sometimes padded floor, sometimes not, made a whole lot of noise).

'What-' He began to ask, but Lily was already talking again, in a low, pain filled mutter.

'_Sirius,' _she recited, '_something amazing's come up.'_

**NO**! Sirius inner voice screamed at him as he interpreted what she was saying. **She wouldn't!**

'_Don't bother writing,' _Lily continued, slapping him, '_cos I won't have time to write back.'_

'No.' Sirius said, out loud this time.

'_Sorry for the crappy explanation. Maybs see you again someday?' _Lily snapped ruthlessly, ignoring Sirius furiously shaking head and anguish filled eyes.

'_James.'_ His fist banged into her with a driving force he didn't realise he had as she concluded. All the pain and anger flowed out of him through his fists, which he used to batter her with. Sometime later, he was pulled back. He had sustained several cuts and his lip had split; he felt sore in too many places. But his body was healing unusually fast. And then he saw Lily.

The girl lay in a pool of her own blood on the ground. Her thin frame shook and tears leaked out of her eyes as she clutched a broken leg. He had done that, he realised. It was his fault that she was down there.

'Lily! I-' He tried to apologise, but Mr Locus got between them.

'Good work, Black. That anger of yours will be a useful tool when you learn to control it.'

Sirius stood, shaking in fear, as Lily was helped off to the hospital.

'They've got something in the water which makes you heal a lot quicker.' Locus explained. 'So she'll be back in lessons by this afternoon with barely a limp!' He ambled off, yelling for people to sit down and watch as he demonstrated a particular movement.

_Was he really being told off for hurting someone that badly? _Sirius didn't want to know the answer to that question – but unfortunately he did.


	3. Chapter 3

The next lesson was technology. In a stupefied blur, Sirius waited for Lily to appear so he could beg for her forgiveness. Of their own accord his fingers tapped away at the computer keys and his brain absorbed the information the wiry little teacher threw at them as he flitted around correcting their work. His heart tapped out the rhythm of his movements.

The seconds ticked past, impossibly long.

Then, the door swung open – even its smooth sweep was perceptible in the silence. Sirius jerked round, mouth opening and air rushing to his lungs as he prepared for a long explanation.

But it wasn't Lily who walked lazily through the door. Sirius could tell instantly that something was wrong because this person didn't move like everyone else – like the world was coming to an end and only they knew it. There was no frantic urgency. And it felt like forever since he had seen someone smirk.

The class watched as he dawdled over to his desk and threw a pile of papers down onto it. A few of them scattered across the floor, but he didn't stoop to pick them up.

Sirius studied his rough blonde curls and ice blue eyes in confusion – did he have some kind of immunity against the harsh punishments of this place? Apparently not, according to the awkward glances flying around.

Finally, he swung his locks out of his eyes and raised a thick brow at Professor Infortati.

'You're 13 minutes late today.' The teacher didn't miss a beat. His voice, once animated and enthusiastic, took on a silky, dangerous edge. Sirius saw him fingering a knife that lay on his desk.

'Sorry, prof.' the kid smirked back at him.

Watching him, Sirius felt a strange protectiveness over the person. He looked older then Sirius felt but he still recognised the emotion. That had been him once – him smirking at the annoyed teacher. But he'd never risked so much for apparently nothing – this guy sure didn't seem to be gaining respect or friends; from the looks he was receiving – and Sirius was definitely not just going to let him be cut to pieces. He was braver than anything Sirius had ever seen before.

The keyboard clattered to the floor, dragging the mouse down with it, and they both smashed. The class span, mouths agape, and Sirius' jaw dropped open.

'Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I can't believe I did that!' The words gushed from within, the seriousness of what he was doing just setting in. He dropped to his knees, cutting them on the smashed glass, and tried to sweep it up. A surprisingly weak blow came from behind.

'Get up, Black.' The teacher sighed, 'It's just a keyboard and mouse – this way you can learn how to connect them to the computer.' Sirius gaped at him but Infortati just rolled his eyes and turned away.

Automatically, Sirius' eyes cut to the late comer. The boy nodded his thanks, understanding what had occurred and Sirius controlled himself quick enough to not grin and give himself away.

Readjusting the cables streaming from the hard-drive and monitor Sirius sat down to work.

Lily never appeared – no one else spoke.

Their silent dinner consisted of a thin slice of pork and cabbage – overcooked both. The water was disgusting. A wave of nostalgia swept over Sirius as he thought of the meals at Hogwarts – he wasn't sure which one he missed most, the playful banter or the succulent chickens, ducks, cakes and tarts.

'Who was the boy earlier?' He asked the kid next to him, just for something to say. He looked barely 15 and shot Sirius a filthy look.

'Great. That'll help a lot.' Sirius muttered to himself. Several people shushed him.

Across from him, a Chinese looking girl was muttering what sounded like French to herself. Next to her, a boy was telling himself his 32 times tables.

**God! **Sirius groaned inside himself. **I'm not sure how much of this I can take.**

It had all been planned before they came.

They knew there was a place, you see. When all the talented students began to disappear people started to figure out that someone was taking them – and it wasn't the Death Eaters because muggle-borns disappeared as well. Sirius and Lily had volunteered – they were both clever enough and had nothing to lose (Both had no family – Lily's had died earlier in the year and as far as Sirius was concerned his were dead as well). They would be enrolled, learn what they could and then get an entrance into the place and bring it down from the inside – gaining the intelligence of the taken few and reuniting families nationally. It was a win-win situation. But Sirius had never imagined this – that the enemy would come from within.

At that moment, everyone stood up. Sirius was jerked to his feet by two pairs of callous hands as the teachers exited.

They trooped back to their respective common rooms as one. There was a main room – for everyone. Then several shared rooms that accommodated 4 or 5 each.

Sirius split off straight away – making for his bed. They hadn't got any homework that day, which he was immensely grateful for. All he could think about was needing to be someplace else – even if it was in his subconscious.

Then a hand gripped his upper arm and he was yanked through a door he hadn't noticed was there.

**Whoa! **Sirius thought appreciatively, staring at the roaring fire. The heat of it seeped through to him.

Then he looked around. A gaggle of about 10 or 11 students grinned at him. They looked alive – and happy to boot! He recognised the boy from his Technology class near the back. Then he saw Lily.

'Ohmygod Lily!' He gasped, running to her and clasping her hands in his. She grinned.

'Calm it, Black. I'm fine now – and I deserved it. Plus, I've been here for an hour, eating normal food and relaxing!' She smiled. 'I hear you met Dan.' She pointed at the blonde boy, who waved.

Sirius gulped, 'Hi there.' He turned back to Lily. 'What the hell is going on?'

Lily sighed, gesturing for someone to explain.

A girl stepped forward. She had thick, tight curly hair and an excellent figure. Her teeth were bright white against her dark skin and her eyes shone luminously. 'Hi, Sirius, right? I'm Tina. Well, we're kind of a resistance group. We don't agree with what happens here so we fight against it. And we've decided after what you did to Dan that you qualify. We can't tell you specifics though, because we don't know if you'll turn out to be like them.'

Sirius swallowed again, 'Wow.' He wasn't sure what else to say. This was something else he'd never expected.

Lily squeezed his hand, encouraging.

'Um, how did this come about?' Sirius was suddenly as wary of them as they were of him – they could just as easily be the spies.

Tina grinned, 'Well, I assume you know James Potter? You are _his _Sirius Black after all, aren't you?'

Sirius' world slowed and stopped. Blood rushed through his head and with extreme effort he managed not to fall over. He had succeeded in not thinking about James, _his _James, in nearly 2 years and now in 2 days he had been thought of several times. His throat ran dry.

'Sirius?' Tina asked, worry pasted across her features. 'You ok?'

Sirius nodded, gesturing for them to continue. Lily's nail bit into his skin, questioning.

'Well, he turned up here about 2 years ago.' Tina began slowly, 'But you must know that – he'll just have vanished in your world.'

Taken. _TAKEN. _Sirius sat down hard onto a chair that had been placed conveniently behind him by Dan. Kidnapped. It was involuntary. _He hadn't left him. _That was all that mattered to him all of a sudden – that thought stripping away the years until he was just Sirius again. One half of Sirius and James.

And then a throat cleared at the back of the room, and Sirius recognised it for what it was – the other half calling out to him.

* * *

><p><strong>Hi, author here :)<strong>

**Somb - do you have a page that I can reply to your review to?  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

Lily had to admit, her expectations of James Potter were biased. She had first seen him over 6 years ago; he was freckly and spectacled, thin but with energy that suggested it wasn't from lack of sweets. His swagger had been painted on, even then. She had watched him grow from childish, to spiteful, to plain nasty and had never been able to understand why a crowd of loyal Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs and even some Slytherins had seen fit to adore him. He had been clever and sporty and had become almost too good looking but he was still the same 11 year old on the inside. So when he 'left' she had been shocked, a little bit worried (but only as you would if you heard that a stranger had vanished without a trace) and secretly pleased. Losing their immature ringleader, the rest of the school had managed to grow up nicely.

At the end of their 6th year she had been paired with Sirius for a Transfiguration report and they had discovered their mutual love of silent company. That was where their friendship started – with quiet nights by a roaring fire. She appreciated that this would not have been possible, were James still in the picture. But, as months went by and Sirius moved from partner, to friend, to best friend she had begun to wonder whether it would be better for Sirius to be happy even if it did mean that they lost what they had. Sirius had put on a good show, good enough that perhaps even he believed himself, but she knew that he was miserable inside.

Then, as Head Boy and Girl, they had been chosen for this task. It had sounded relatively simple – infiltrate a school and get us access into it. It had just become more complicated that she would imagine.

Awkwardly, her eyes came to rest on the figure. Her heart stopped. He was indescribably beautiful. It could be that he had lost any residue baby fat, grown taller and more wide-set. It could be that he had come from a room dressed in just some low slung black jeans and his chest was sculpted better than David's. It could be the way his black hair stuck up in a way that she once found annoying but now was unbelievably sexy. But she didn't think it was. She thought it had more to do with the scars dotting his body.

In one glance she noticed two wounds where it looked like he had been stabbed in his abdomen, several slices across his biceps and a criss-cross of silver lines over his jaw and cheek. And what made it special was his expression. He was rubbing sleep out of one eye tiredly, yawning; mouth quirking up in a gentle smile. His hand came down and he looked around with such an innocent, loving look that Lily couldn't quite match up to the rest of him. He was resilience, determination, strength, hope and bravery incarnate in a hot body.

Then he noticed them. Exhaustion, weariness, flitted into his deep hazel eyes and sadness pulled his face longer. He was heartbreaking.

Then, beside her, Sirius clenched up, snapping her back to life.

'What's going on?' James asked, his honeyed tones gliding as gracefully as the rest of him over to them. Lily tried to drop her eyes from his so she could concentrate better but found them admiring his chest and had to turn to look at Sirius and Tina.

'Hey,' Tina smiled at James, reaching up casually to flick a lock of hair out of his eyes. For a pounding moment Lily froze. Touching his hair didn't mean anything, right? It was just hair! She touched Sirius' all the time! Just because it looked intimate and they held each other's gaze too much didn't mean anything! Nothing! James was probably just too tired to move his eyes quick enough! It wasn't like-

James leant down and kissed Tina lightly.

Sirius yelped, and Lily realised that she'd dug her nails viciously into his forearm and had drawn blood.

James, Sirius, Lily and Tina looked at the scarlet bead concernedly, and as one three of them raised their heads to stare at Lily.

'Umm,' she said, thinking desperately, 'me and Sirius just need to go and talk for a second!' She dragged her victim away and heard Tina mutter 'Sirius and I!' behind her back. Nothing made her blood boil like having her grammar corrected did.

Huddled in a dark corned, Lily looked at Sirius, waiting for his quiet outburst. But he just stared at nothing in particular, eyes glazed over until she touched his wound gently and he became aware of everything again.

'Do you think he wanted to leave?' He asked immediately, frown giving his an uncharacteristically serious look.

Lily swallowed, 'No. That is, I think to want to do something you have to have the choice. He didn't get one, did he?' She suddenly didn't want to believe that he'd chosen to leave. It was too like him choosing Tina over her.

Their awkward conversation fizzled to a halt as James called out for everyone to listen.

As a leader he lost all his boyish charm and innocence, becoming sturdier and harder. His sexy edge took control. Unfortunately, he had donned a white t-shirt.

'Okay guys, we've been planning ripping this place apart for over a year! What would you say if I told you tonight's the night?' He looked at them all, expectant, and they gaped back.

'You're crazy,' Dan croaked, looking nervously excited.

James shot him a look, 'don't be stupid, Mr Longthorpe,' he imitated Mr Infortati's Scottish accent, 'you have a brain, using it isn't that difficult!'

A chuckle went up which Sirius and Lily subconsciously mimicked.

James smiled at them all once more before growing serious, 'Seriously though, guys and gals. When was the last time you saw your families. Have you forgotten the last thing your parents said to you, have you picked apart every memory of your friends yet? Are things starting to blur?' His eyes burned with anguish. 'How much more of this – this bullying, this victimising, and this abuse – can you all take? What are you going to lose next? Who are we going to lose next? I wanted to do this months ago but got outvoted. Look what happened – we've lost Camilla. Sweet little Camilla who was too lovely to go. We can do this, guys! You could be home by later tonight.' He looked round at them all. 'Chris – isn't it your little brothers birthday in a few days? Imagine being able to see him turn 4! And Sasha – Christmas with your family!'

The idea was catching quickly, Lily could see. James knew what buttons to press to convince them – he could have taught manipulation as a subject here.

'Let's do it!' Tina cheered from behind him, her thin arms slipping comfortably round his waist.

The cheer was taken up and the crowd departed, seemingly to get into pre-planned positions.

James grimaced at Sirius and Lily, alone in the room with them, 'Stay here, yeah? Things are about to get violent.' He made to leave but was cut off by Lily, arguing automatically.

'We can look after ourselves!'

James turned back, painfully slowly, 'I know that – but this is beyond compare to even the most gruesome of what's out there. This world is separate from yours. Stay here.' The final part was an order, ringing with authority, and though neither of them answered Sirius and Lily both knew they would obey.

Tense, they sat down to wait, the door clicking shut behind James.


	5. Chapter 5

The common room was stifling to Sirius. The heat, which had been pleasurable and a relief just minutes earlier, pressed in on all sides and he rubbed his throat as he paced back and forth.

'What's taking so long?' Lily's voice flickered dimly into his ears and he moved them aside in irritation; the blood rushing through his head made enough noise without this as well.

'I mean, there were so many of them. And only the teachers would put up a real fight!' She continued, her voice small and afraid, a mere whisper in her corner which became impossible to ignore.

'Why do you care?' Sirius span around, snarling, 'What's he to you, huh? Since when did you give a shit?' A clawing hand raked through his hair, raising red welts where his finger nails scratched desperately at his scalp.

Lily's eyes didn't become any more afraid and Sirius realised in shock that she wasn't worried for what might happen to her. The shock was a relief – it distracted him from grief, anger, hope so dangerous that he was already feeling the sting of disappointment. His brain, spinning unbelievably fast, took a giant leap of understanding, 'You feel something for him.' And another, 'You always have.' He had to sit down as the revelation sank in.

Tears spilled down over Lily's cream cheeks instantly, 'I never wanted to!' Sobs wracked her frame but her friend didn't go to her – watching in distaste from the other side of the room.

'He was always too much for me! I thought I couldn't really like him because I didn't like him! He was too arrogant and jealous and loud and I needed someone quiet and loving and artistic! He was wrong and I couldn't love him – I wasn't even looking for love!' The words trickled out in a long, torturous trickle that barely pierced Sirius suddenly cold heart.

'He loved you.' The words were heavy and condemning. All at once he wasn't a hurt, strong, fearful 17 year old; but a vital, fiercely loyal boy of 2 years younger, enraged and bitter at the girl who he had watched crush his best friend's heart.

Lily was shaking her head, 'No, he didn't. He just didn't like taking no for an answer.' The old reply, the reusable excuse, fell from her lips in such a way that she nearly believed it herself. At the beginning she had honestly believed it to be true; then as time went on and his expressions became more sincere she said it to keep herself from getting in deeper. Now it was a justification of what she put him through. It wasn't enough.

'Do you still?' Another question fell, monotonous, from Sirius' numb lips. The anger on behalf of his oblivious friend was fading and he felt himself become trapped between the two of them.

Lily looked at him, meeting his softening gaze. Her confidence returned. 'No.' It wasn't a lie. She didn't love James as she once had – there was none of the old deep admiration that she'd felt for the boy who couldn't be controlled and the desire to do just that; it was a different kind of desire now – a more animalistic, desperate desire.

Sirius nodded, already forgetting, and turned away. His problems were more important than a school-girl crush.

Knowing that James hadn't left him felt good. Really good. But where were they going to go from here? He remembered, in part painful-part nostalgic bursts, how they had been before James had le- before James had been taken. It was like finding a soul brother that day in Kings Cross. Sirius had never admitted to anyone how close he had been to be just another member of the Black family – if he hadn't met James he would have been sorted into Slytherin, joined Voldemort at 16 and died a few years later; he had never had to admit it to anyone – James understood him intrinsically. It was one of his deepest, darkest nightmares before he was 16 that his life had ended up this way. And then after the letter, he had been too scared to dream – wearing himself out until he fell asleep too deeply for his subconscious to talk to him. He recalled watching James swimming in the lake in mid-January and being crazy enough to try it himself without putting on an anti-freezing charm, he remembered whispering to James the name of his first crush by torchlight in James childhood mansion (a decidedly girly thing to do, he decided now) and he thought about waltzing into their dorm one morning in fourth year with news to tell them only to have James glance at his face and burst out laughing. 'Well someone's not a virgin anymore!' He had called robustly, 'Was it Mary?' It had been Mary.

In quick, snapshot like images, he sped through the happiest 5 years of his life. James teaching him how to catch marshmallows in his mouth; James, bloody and bruised, grinning up at him from his hospital wing bed and high five-ing him, 'what a fight, eh?' ; James, poring over his book, tongue poking out as it always did when he concentrated, trying to find a word that rhymed with orange even though he'd been told that there wasn't one; a stag, majestic and powerful, curled up against a mossy trunk and him as a dog yapping cheerfully over him. How long had it been since he'd been Padfoot? And there was another problem – one that James would find just as hard as rebuilding their friendship. Sirius hadn't even spoken to Remus in over a year.

When he had first realised that James was gone Sirius had slid into a state of depression. He was excused from classes; couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Then one day, having been tranquilised, he awoke in his room at Potter Manor. That was when the anger began. He got it into his head that nothing to do with James had been real – it had all been one fantastic, cruel lie. His relationship with Mr and Mrs Potter was false (they had never given up searching for their son. They would be overjoyed), his relationship with Remus was tainted and Quidditch was a fool's game. Nothing that could be linked to _him _was worth spending time on.

When he became Head Boy, having been a solid, studious, reliable student for over a year, Sirius had felt daunted by having to face Lily every day – the girl that James had such a strong attachment to. But that was OK, because James had been interested romantically and Sirius and her were only friends.

Sirius' confused ramblings were interrupted by the door snapping open. Lily and he jerked around, only to see Dan stagger through, clutching a bloody towel to his left eye. They sagged in simultaneous disappointment – which Dan saw.

Laughing, Dan beckoned them, 'I know, I know, I'm no James Potter, but if you'd sacrifice yourselves to coming with me then you might just see him.' He winked, spirits buoyed by their apparent success.

'What happened?' Lily asked eagerly, walking ahead of Sirius with Dan. Sirius followed quietly, ignoring the students running around and the abused looking elves staring around with reverent expressions.

'Well,' Dan began, tone enthusiastic, 'First off, we all got into positions. I can explain that, if you like, but we'd probably run out of time... Anyway,' he continued when neither answered, 'James went to see the boss, to kind of warn him, you see. That man's like a god – after everything the bastard did to us he's still noble enough to give him a last chance. So, obviously, the jerk wasn't going to agree to surrender and he struck out at James with that creepy silver knife thing that's always hanging around him. And James freaking CAUGHT it. Yeah, like, he caught the blade in his fist!' Dan's eyes darted between them but Sirius was back in the entrance hall, watching the weapon slide sickly easily through a young boy's soft skin. Catching that moving at high speed could just about take someone's hand off.

'So then, with the knife sticking out of his palm, James punched Poderoso and all hell broke loose. The Alpha's and teachers rushed to help Poderoso, who was knocked flat over, and we all rushed to help James, who was yelling for anyone not wishing to fight to get back to their common rooms. All the first 3 years went and a few Alphas so we were pretty even. I think we surprised them with our numbers, to be honest, and we've received all the training that they have so we could fight them OK. And we had James, who was like whirlwind knocking people down all over the place – again, God like!' Dan grinned again and paused outside the entrance hall.

Men and women, no older than themselves but suddenly with the world weary look that Sirius associated with middle aged people, milled around. In one corner Tina had set up a makeshift hospital, where wounds seemed to range from cuts and bruises to one boy who had lost his foot. He was no older than 15 and didn't make a noise as Tina expertly bound it.

At the furthest end from them, Poderoso and the other teachers – plus some overly resistant Alphas – were bound and unconscious.

James was in the centre.


	6. Chapter 6

He was facing towards them, both hands splayed across a large table covered haphazardly in what appeared to be maps and documents. One hand was bound – this worried Sirius. Knowing James from before (and making assumptions on his character now) Sirius couldn't imagine James allowing himself to be treated when others had been hurt terribly unless he was severely damaged.

James said something animatedly and jabbed at a document with a wounded finger. Surrounding him, grave faces nodded.

At the foot of the table a girl, probably about 20 with mouse brown hair that spilled out of her bobble and framed her weary face, said something, drawing James' attention to her. He laughed, shaking his head at her and Sirius wished that he could hear what was going on.

Then they drew close and Dan called out. James' hazel eyes met Sirius and his heart swelled to strange proportions. He had not realised how worried he had been for this man who was still his friend after everything until that sickening moment; he had to control the urge to rush forwards and grip him in a vice like hug over the table. Muscles clenched, he watched James' eyes. They were the same – technically. The same deep, dark, melt-into-me brown with the fantastic green sparkles and shimmering depths in them. Not really hazel; more a mixture of brown and blue that stayed separate from one another. But Sirius had never seen James look so...tired. No matter how good at acting and lying he had become over the years, Sirius could see that with the same ease he had displayed at age 11. Then both pairs of eyes snapped from each other.

'You alright?' James asked Lily, his voice low and hoarse.

'Yeah.' She spoke for both of them. _Yeah, _Sirius suddenly though viciously, _we're alright if you don't think about the exhaustion, the shock, the emotional upheaval, the crippling worry._

In the next moment he felt guilty. What was their pain relative to that of these people? What could his pain ever be compared to theirs.

'What do you need us to do?' He asked, glad that his voice didn't tremble and break. James glanced towards him but didn't meet his eyes – a sure fire way of letting Sirius know he was sorry for what he was about to say without meeting his eyes.

'I need you to talk to these guys.' He gestured to the people gathered around – most of whom stared in awe at the new duo as if they knew something that Sirius and Lily didn't about them. 'Explain to them about the Order and what Dumbledore wanted you to do.' His voice was as smooth and authorative as it had ever been since Sirius had seen him again. It wasn't even interrupted by Tina slinking up beside him and wrapping her bloody arms around his waist. Sirius did though – and he noticed a large proportion of the crowd flinch as well. There was yet another question that needed answering.

'How do you know about the Order?' Lily sounded furious. Every muscle in her thin body shook with shock.

James sighed, rubbing his drawn face with both hands and giving them a glimpse of what he might look like in the future. He shrugged out of Tina's disappointed arms and motioned them to follow him into the corner. On the way – the 20m of cold, stone paving – he was stopped four times. Dan wanted to know what they planned on doing with the other students ('they're not evil; let them be'), Chris and Susie just wanted to congratulate him on pulling everything off and Miranda tearfully questioned the date of their going home ('asap, Maz, asap'). Then, alone at last, James looked at them.

For the first time his face was open and honest, lit by a flickering candle mounted on the wall – from which big beads of water were running slowly down. He was sad, regretful, angry, afraid...but also happy and excited. And, Sirius hoped, there was a little bit of love in those orbs as well.

'Okay, what do you want to know?' For that little moment, they were allowed to see that James had given up – he didn't want to be in charge all the time and was happy for them to dictate what he said.

But Sirius suddenly found that his endless questions were stemmed and, darting a look at Lily, discovered that she was encountering the same dilemma. 'Why are the walls sweating?' He blurted, flushing red.

James stared for a second, and then laughed, 'Wow. Well, I don't know really. It's an old castle – perhaps it just wasn't built very well?' It sounded like he was asking permission for this reply to be sufficient. It was.

A brief, awkward silence was punctuated by Lily's quiet question, 'Why are they doing this?'

James didn't look at her, instead his eyes cut across to Tina, bent over helping the injured.

'Oh my god!' Sirius burst out, too surprised to control himself. James glanced at him guiltily.

'Lily, go over there!' Sirius ordered her away and she, recognising his tone, left without a word. While she did so, Sirius glared meaningfully at a blushing James.

'What the hell?' Sirius spat quietly, Lily being out of hearing range but not trusting that they had no eavesdroppers. 'You seen us for what – one or two hours and _already _you've got a thing for Lily?' James flinched.

'Look, it's not like I _asked _for this! I love Ti – I do!' He bit his lip in a manner that send Sirius crashing painfully back through years to see the same person doing the same action. It hit him then and there – James was back. He hadn't lost him, after all. A slow, long forgotten grin spread across his face as he watched his best friend mutter on.

'And, for craps sake, it's Lily! When _haven't _I liked Lily? Apart from when I was, like, 11 and didn't have hormones and sang like a girl and stuff...' James' confused mumblings were cut off by Sirius enveloping him in a hug that conveyed everything he was feeling.

James hugged him back, even tighter than Sirius held him.

'I've missed you so goddam much, Prongs.' He whispered to the hair covering James' ear.

'Missed you more,' came the reply.

Sirius shook his head furiously, part in disagreement and partly to hide the tears seeping from his eyes. He was still a man, after all.

'I love you Padfoot.' James murmured. There was nothing sexual or romantic about the words, no sparks of reluctant homophobia leapt inside either person – it was simply James allowing his best friend to know how he felt; something they'd never done before and both regretted in the long months of separation.

'Ditto,' Sirius whispered back, making James shake with silent laughter.

Then, simultaneously, they pulled away, and chuckled at the tears hanging from both their eyelashes.

James gripped Sirius' forearm, 'I'm scared, Pads. What if I don't fit it?'

Sirius swallowed, it was something he never expected to hear from James Potter, 'You're James bloody Potter – you've never been an outsider in your life! Always the most loved!'

James was shaking his head, so Sirius paused to let him speak, 'Not the most loved, the most admired.' He stressed the last word.

Sirius' mouth fell open in surprise, 'No!' He exclaimed, not caring that James winced at how his fingernails dug into James' injured palm. 'Never say that! Everyone loved you. _Everyone!' _He thought for a second, dredging up examples. 'You're Quidditch team – they all refused to play anymore because they said they were loyal to their captain and wouldn't play whilst he wasn't able to be there. Professor McGonagall took a leave of 6 months from teaching our class and Bins told us it was because she missed you. I saw so many people crying, read so many desperate letters. You're parents never stopped looking, James. They still haven't. They quit their jobs so they'd have more time to search.' Sirius paused; panting slightly for breath and making a small steam cloud hang resolutely in front of his face.

James smiled slightly, ducking his head, 'Yeah, I knew my parents cared.' He nodded finally, sighing with relief and signalling for Lily to join them, which she did so moodily.

'Well,' she snapped, eyes flashing in a way that made James take a step back automatically – too many times had that flash been the cause of pain on his side of things, 'now that your "big reunion" is over can I get some answers.' She sketched the quotation marks with her fingers sarcastically.

James snorted, 'Sure – why are they doing this? Easy answer – tradition.' He raked his good hand through his hair. Sirius laughed as he noticed that even his hair looked tired – lying flat for once instead of sticking in every direction as per usual. 'So, they've always been doing this. Taking the elite and training them into...something more. Something that was impossible to attain by yourself.' He shrugged, gesturing around. 'I guess some 12th century Lord figured it would be best if his body guards were pretty much supernatural. And then it evolved into this place. It's really kicked of recently, of course, because of this war. If this Voldemort fella takes too many steps out of line they want to be able to end things efficiently – and that means a lot of people.'

Lily nodded, satisfied for that. 'Ok, so how do you know about the Order?' This was the important question evidently, as her eyes narrowed and her entire being became more alert. _Of course this school would have wanted her_, Sirius thought, _who wouldn't?_

'My parents were members since it started.' James answered easily, 'And, me not being the innocent little darling they thought I was, when the war kicked off I searched their offices and found little clues. When I pieced it all together – this was the summer before 5th – I signed up.' He snorted, wiggling his eyebrows at Sirius, who bit his lip in an effort not to laugh. And effort that failed.

'They rejected him, of course,' Sirius laughed, 'but he – we – kept at it until they told us we could sit in on the meetings as long as we quit bugging them and didn't get underfoot.' James winked at him.

Lily looked from one to the other, 'You were allowed in at 15?' The question growled out of her.

'Damn purebloods!' The echo bounced off the walls in the hall and everything stilled for a moment as they all watched the red head flounce out angrily.


End file.
